i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
