"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
