someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
