the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
