I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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