At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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