Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
