The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
