there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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