i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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