What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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