My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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