remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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