It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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