She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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