Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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