I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
