I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
