i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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