If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
