I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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