6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
