I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
