Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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