they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
