Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
