ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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