I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
