Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
