this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
my liver is dry heaving
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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