If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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