I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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