So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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