Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
