I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
