Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
