the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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