I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
