I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
