I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
