I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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