Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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