So drunk its hurt
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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