And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
