I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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