you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
