dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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