My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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