I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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