It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
